It is not always easy but you are going to make it happen anyway.

A confessional essay on letting my soul unwind freely.

Sorry if this is going to become a rant, but I can not explain how important this is to my own heart. I hope if any of you can relate to this whole post, I want a big hug badly. I am here. And I know you still love me.

The problem with allowing ourselves to be present to any moment is not quite easy. And letting our head to be in a constant state of calm doesn't always look like how you can easily imagine something in your head. A brain rattling with random disturbing thoughts won't have any defined trajectories to move on. It has no roots. It often lands you on pressure. Self-imposed pressure. You can not measure how sound it can become when left unchecked. Or how deep it can penetrate your sense of peace. And most importantly your deeply held confidence level. It's not all open or fast. It happens slowly when you allow your days to be measured by how little you have done to what you'd said you would do or how slow you are to catch up with your everyday tasks. Even the ones that you dearly care to hold. The ones that sleep in the back of your head. The ones that go empty. The ones you always can not name loudly. It doesn't ask you anything. It straightaway makes you decide you are not good, not enough, not loyal, not stubborn or even determinant to a life you want to live. The things you want or even that person you want to become. You think you are just lazy and tired to go for it. But the thing is we have not really understood how not to let ourselves be controlled by this silent pressure we keep building everyday. Slowly. But also strongly.

To be very honest, there's no pressure at all unless it is being built by the voices in our own heads. There are no finish lines to show how our dreams should be done. There are no red cards, stopping us to play it the right way. There are no boundaries to limit us mid-way, asking to stop and diverge. We set limits only in our heads. The real play happens just like a free river that takes on its own course not needing any diversion or stop point to keep it going. All it does is simply allow it's body to flow naturally. To just be. Be. Itself.

I often force obedience to show up even before i could begin anything. I expect things to turn easy, even before preparing myself to believe in my abilities. I always forget to embrace the complex part of trying, not realizing it will take me all mess in the first place for the beauty to slowly emerge. I judge myself. I judge very badly that i stop even before i could take the first step. And then start slowly, panicking how it will all end up. Perhaps i am not hoarding my capacity in trusting myself, instead letting something else to take control of me. It is definitely the fear, doubt or the challenges in front of me. It can be anything. But to know that i have also been the one stopping myself to see the whole picture clearly feels quite heavy and foolish. It is here this concept of silent pressure that I have mentioned earlier takes the stage. It doesn't perform like the movie stars. It doesn't talk to me directly. It doesn't have to show up like it's all there to let me know it is there. But it simply stays in the silent corners of my mind always seeking comfort and safety. It wants things to be done in the first go. It doesn't accept when trust becomes something harder to hold on. Moreover, it doesn't allow all my vulnerabilities to open up boldly. And I end up believing i am not capable for difficult things. This is where I now want to change the narrative I have been building up for myself for a long time, not knowing how it could all silently slow down my abilities that kept me trusting in the process. I had this problem in every portrait that I took up for commission. In every letter that i sit to write to you and to my soul. Though I have drawn so many portraits and also pushed myself to write something meaningful and honest everytime, I still let the difficulties of the work take the centre stage. I still allow fear, doubt and uncertainty to blur my way. I still let the complex part be complex not knowing I also had many other things in me that'd carried me gently so far. The one thing I had in me was persistence. The only thing that can triumph over this slow pressure was this persistence. It was slow. But it was there. It was there all along guiding me secretly. I could realize its presence only now as I give myself the space to see what'd really saved me every time when I was not able to hold it all together. There was also this hope and incessant passion towards my work. How did i not consciously take these two into account. How did these even seemed small when i had to face hard things earlier. Maybe it was not small, it was not just seen rightly. Not felt whole. Maybe it was not hiding, it was just slowly taken for granted. It's always easy to highlight the difficult parts but not the ones that slowly kept saving you. And I took it for granted. I never allowed myself to fully embrace what'd helped me. What gave me the nerves to finish what I started. What let love fall in place. What made hope seem easy. What just got me going every time even when I was still treading with doubt and fear. This almost seems like a cycle I had fallen into unknowinglg not to acknowledge what guarded me from insanity or self-depression. But then I was saved. I was saved every single time except I wasn't acknowledging who saved me or what saved me. I now wholeheartedly see it was me after all. It was my love and passion for the work felt meaningful to my soul. What sounded like pure peace to my little existence. I kept pursuing because I know what really had mattered to my soul although it was not all easy to grasp. In that instant. I'd never let the doubt or fear consume me whole. Of course it was not easy, it was taking too much time, too much patience, too much of silent fights with with the nameless, but the unwinding was always worth it. The uphill journey was something that set my soul ablaze everytime, that never asked anything in return except my presence.

I take this post to take a moment to be grateful for myself in the first place. To give love in the right portion. To make sure I will not allow anymore negligence to stop me believing in myself and also in believing all my little incessant love towards the work I do. To all the things that felt like coming home to my soul everytime.

I always wait. Take time. Make lengthy essays and pour what comes. I always fear when difficult portrait orders arrive. I start with zero confidence. There are so many doubts. Each step feels like i will not allow myself to believe how it will work. But then I kept going. Kept drawing. Kept writing. Not only at my best but also when things didn't work out easily, when everything was hard even after I kept trying and trying, when the next step was not visible clearly, especially when it was not visible clearly, when i was still all clueless about how I will get anything done. It was all done anyway. May be I should stop using this anyway because now I know who carried me all the way. Who even paved the whole way. Who taught me how to let everything flow naturally. How to stay kind and gentle to myself even when i usually forget to notice how far i have come. And finally what truly lit the way even when everything was not feeling quite possible at the moment. It was something that let my pulse quicken even as it slowed down, even as it felt betrayed, even as it felt lonely, but never ever letting to quit itself thoughI wasn't all listening. And that I now proudly call hope, though I have written so much about it earlier. And all this I now call some divine connection to my soul, not just mere passion.

This post is not to exaggerate anything on my own regard. It's just high time I have to start seeing me for who I'd been to myself through all these years, through all these struggles to belong to something that kept my little world going, my little heart racing and my little soul living. Living upto its own quiet way. I couldn't have asked for more. I couldn’t have done it any other way. It couldn't have gone any more right.

I completed the elephant portrait, the beginnings of which i shared in my last post, it took me more than three weeks to come in terms with finishing it. I never believed I would ever be able to draw an elephant. It was turning all difficult but there was something that kept me pushing forward. It gave me the heart to see up, to see right and see close to what really mattered for my soul. To keep trusting the process no matter how messy it got. It showed me that real test lies not always in the first step that I take but the next, the next and the next step which I should be keep taking again and again with no in-built pressure weighing my soul.

The proportion of man might seem quite short but I couldn't help it for I was only already trying to make him look enough near that big elephant. :)) perhaps this is all not perfect, any of my works are never perfect, but that's how it works. It doesn't have to keep your perfect. But just happy for whoever you are becoming on theis journey. And I have completed one more portrait just within two days something for which I am already proud of. There's going to be a long post about that when I get back to you again.

For anyone who finds it hard to keep your little light going, just know: you are already that someone who had kept you going so far, that you were never really alone even when you were the only one you all had, that you had someone in you for whom you could never be thankful enough, who couldn't have given up on you even when you had to, who was always there beside you as a silent partner, cheerleader and proud admirer. Maybe you haven't given enough space for that little person to come all in your sight and let yourself be loved. All openly. Maybe you stopped trusting that you can still allow the magic work. Maybe you were so busy doubting and fearing all the steps ahead. Maybe you didn't know how to love yourself first. Maybe you'd let yourself become so cold for a long time that melting away never seemed imaginable to your weary eyes. Maybe you were only silently aching for someone to see you, see you trying finally. Maybe that someone was you all along. Maybe you were not meant to be taken seriously always, but just wanted to be held effortlessly. Perhaps more closely. And even more freely.

With Peace,

Revathi Ganesh