Let me write this out!

Not talking(writing) is heavy.

Writing this with a late night's tight hug from my mom's cotton saree. It's nothing new. I have been using her soft cotton sarees as my quilt for so long. Could not count how long. I wanted to write to you suddenly not as always I do but as something in me screamed silently not to stay quiet. Not to go numb. Not pretend okay because i missed my voice and also i really missed the conversation i used to have with my soul here while i write to us. This post is definitely not a call for a negative outlook on my life but only a mindful invitation to value the silent support I have been giving to myself for a long time without any acknowledgement. I love her and I am proud of her even if i don't accept it always. And I am grateful you are here to listen me everytime.

I am writing to you very late, but in my head, I have always been thinking to write to us about this. To express this silent grief. And yet the thought was neatly tucked inside my heart. I didn't know how to unpack the weight. But I am here as i am always drawn to this space where I can see myself learning to embrace all my complexities. Not forcing anything. Not hating myself. Especially not hating myself for whatever reason i can get/give outside of this space. May be real living occurs when we slow down to notice who we have been becoming all along with all the hopes and loses and who do we still choose to become when we feel lost. Especially when we feel like we have been totally lost.

I was away as i was preparing for an important exam. I was all into the idea of wanting to get that job and settle down for once and all. Wanting to change my family's fortune. Wanting to make my parents proud. Wanting to help my sister who is struggling alone to care for us. I was working hard. Praying God. I know my efforts were not up to the mark but I kept believing I could bring up some real change to myself as well as to my dear people. I tried as much as I could with whatever time I had. But once the exam got over, once I came back to my room and checked all my answers, I was totally devastated. I can not convey the silent pain that was running all over my body. A sudden surge of fear that knew no language to communicate. A dream slipping away from a weary dream. Eyes blurring away through slowly held tears. A voice cracking down my throat gasping for air. For an hour I was out of my senses. I was pitying my luck. My hard work. This was also something I was fearing that would happen. Since I belong to the general category, all my little hopes had gone to thin air with the marks i'd scored and I was done even little hoping. But I took time and decided to move on since that was the only option I had. I braved myself. I realized God was asking me to hold patience for what was gone and meet myself where I am through love even if it was meant to be staying in the same place. Maybe it's all about you helping yourself to learn a new lesson everytime. It was a silent weight and I couldn't know how to talk to it directly. I cried hard and realized this was life too. That I can get weak too. And still choose to be strong anyway.

I was aware I am all hope even when I was feeling all incapable, miserable and more pitiable.

Not everything happens as we expect. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was actually not capable at the moment but not forever as my mind conceieved. Maybe it takes more love and patience than stress and attention. Maybe I was holding shattered efforts than clarity and conscience. I made careless mistakes. I couldn't revise properly. I wasn't taking a moment again to reread some questions and I was over-confident while answering some. I know I won’t be getting into rank list because of all these mistakes. But with this soul wrenching realization, I came to understand what I was rigidly holding onto. The blind belief that things will work out. That there won't be any negative side to this. That I won't be able to handle it other wise. That i can't even imagine not getting it. That i will break down badly if i do not get the job. That i will be pitying myself like anything. That i will be walking dead. That i will be failing my family who kept believing in me endlessly. And finally failing myself miserably. All these thoughts were silently running at the back of my head even while I was studying and this put me under my own pressure. I was scared of the result even before I could write the exam. I was sick during the previous week of my exam. But I didn't want to give up. I did what i could. May be not at my best but as much as I could with the little time I had. The exam was not meant to be easy. It ought to be hard. But it was a moderate paper anyway. And I was clearly blind to some questions as if it wouldn't go wrong at all. And there i failed. I admit I was very wrong. Maybe dropping down this weight of feeling bad of myself and pitying myself would bring some peace and clarity I have been seeking lately. I admit I can not be right always. I am writing this to let myself know I am only a human. I can make mistakes and still choose to honor myself knowing how far I have come and how hard I have tried. I can cry and still believe my life is not going to end up right here. I can worry and still keep trying. I can pity myself and still feel worthy of what I had already received and yet have to receive. I can fall low and still feel safe in my own arms. I can doubt my own worth and still address the work I have put in so far. I can feel weak and still believe I am being grounded by unkempt strength. I can feel guilty and still be grateful for the dream I dared to keep.

This might be one way of taking it less heavily and more compassionately, but I admit I still feel lost and weak at my life’s hand and at my own feelings. That are not always stable, loud or rationale. But here as I hold the same heart that'd carried me this far to write to my own trembling voice, I believe I am not as weak as I imagine in my head. I am not as lost as I really think.

Writing this has seriously lifted a heavy cloud from my body, heart and mind. Thanks to my weary soul who refused to silence her voice. Who refused to give up her fight. My writing is still a rebellion in the all chaotic world of unmet ambitions and I refuse to stop dreaming. My feelings are still an unavoidable insurrection against an all exhausting world and I will not stop talking to my soul ever. After all, she has been my only guiding light of coming back to my senses—in hope, in love, in strength and in patience for what I still trust in myself.

PS: You are all stronger than you ever admit. I am deeply grateful for everyone who are still reading my soul here regardless of your precious running time. I love you all dearly.

With Peace,

Revathi Ganesh